The Ongoing Journey

I am coming to the one-year anniversary of the start of my transition journey, and as the occasion approaches, I continue to reflect on the mental and emotional components of it, especially with regard to the ongoing theme of perception.  By perception, I mean how I choose to think about and process, well… everything.  I was hardwired at an early age to be self-loathing and full of shame for who I am, and spent a huge amount of effort and energy on either repressing or diverting my authentic self for the sake of others. And, I am now finding, it’s going to take an equal effort and just as much energy to undo all of that and get to a place of self-love and pride.  I keep coming back to the theme of perception.  If my perception is my reality, and I do believe that it is, then if I change my perception, I can change my reality.  Changing one’s perceptions, though, is a tall order, and it takes time, effort, and intentionality.  Lots of it.

Earlier this week, for example, I received in my email inbox a set of headshot photos that were taken last week by a “professional” photographer for the website at work.  My immediate, knee-jerk, instinctual reaction to these photos was negative.  I saw everything that was “wrong” with them and internalized it all: I’m too fat; I still look too masculine; what’s up with my hair?  But I do not want to persist as the person who hates herself and how she looks or appears to look in a photo.  I want to be able to look a photo of myself, even one that’s really horrible, and see it as “just a photo,” and maybe even see something positive and beautiful in it.  I want to be able to look at such a photo and have my immediate reaction be, “wow! you’ve come so far from the last time you had a professional headshot, not even two years ago (see below).  You’re not even the same person, inside or out.  Way to go Maddie!!”

I will get there.  I know I will.  I’ve come so far already and I’m incredibly proud of myself for finally starting the journey… and not only starting it, but doing the work to move forward. When I actually stop and think about it, it’s mind-blowing how far I’ve come in one year’s time.  And I know this is just the beginning.  So, once again, I will remind myself to acknowledge that, and give myself a little grace for getting this far.  Sometimes the memes that come through my daily Instagram feed are very helpful in this regard, such as the ones below.  It’s all about perception and perspective… change that and change your life.