Down

It’s been a while.  I haven’t felt much like writing or reflecting lately.  In fact, at the moment I am feeling quite down; sad, dejected, and tired.  There is no logical reason for it, either, which makes it all the more frustrating.  I’m way too much in my head these days, and I know that’s not a good thing, but I can’t seem to break through.  Maybe the novelty of transitioning is wearing off?  I don’t really think that’s it because I’m still quite in awe of where I’m at at this point in my life, but I’m also terrified.  Every single day I live in fear, and it’s an incredibly ugly feeling.  I’m so afraid of being judged, ridiculed, shamed, or hurt by others that I’ve become reclusive and guarded.  I isolate and sequester in my work, books, and television.  And, while minimizing my interactions with others diminishes the possibilities of being hurt by them, it also removes any possibility of meaningful connection.  My life right now is bereft of humor and I have lost (hopefully not permanently) my ability to laugh at myself.  I am constantly on guard and it is exhausting.  The saddest part about all of this, though, and I do realize it with my rational brain, is that it is all self-imposed.  I have created a little prison for myself that I cannot seem to, or even want to, escape.  It’s cozy and safe here, but it’s also very sad and lonely.  I know I can’t live like this forever, but I’m feeling paralyzed to me beyond it.  Therapy helps.  Eric helps, despite my fervent resistance.  Maybe I’ll feel differently after my surgery in September, or after I’m finished with the punishing pains of electrolysis.  Maybe.  Those things will help, but I know what I really need to do is change my thoughts and inner dialogue, which is proving to be much more challenging that I would have thought.  I read, I write/blog, I engage in therapy, I’ve begun chanting, I meditate, but my inner voice persists: you are ugly; you are a freak.  Clearly, I haven’t entirely given up on myself, because I continue to push forward (though I’ve been retreating more and more lately), so I know I will get there eventually.  But the battle (mainly against myself) has been very tough lately.