Finding My Voice

Aside from hair and other obvious bodily issues I'm struggle with through this transition, trying to train myself to speak in an upper register is definitely one of the most challenging and frustrating.  Unfortunately, as with my male-pattern baldness, I was also genetically blessed with a fairly deep voice. In my youth, I actively worked on making my voice deeper and more “masculine” after years of being made fun of for sounding “gay,” if that even makes sense to anyone.  Now, I’m trying to undo all those years of “butching it up,” and finding it very difficult to do so.  

Whenever I’m in public “en femme” these days I dread having to speak, because I know it’ll immediately give me away as trans (if something else hasn’t already, which, in actuality, is probably the case).  But really, is that the worst thing in the world?!  As I compose this blog entry, I’m realizing that while I would love to appear and sound more naturally like a cis-gender woman (as I do, and always have, in my head and heart), what in reality I am is a trans-gender woman.  And that is a beautiful thing… or at least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself is the case.  When we, as trans people, obsess over “passing,” aren’t we just perpetuating the cis/hetero-normative narrative that suppresses and marginalizes us?  

It just takes so much inner strength, confidence, and self-love to say “Fuck it. I am what I am, and I love it, and if that doesn’t work for you, then that’s your problem.”  I’m sorry to say, I’m just not there yet, but every day is a step forward.  I wasn’t sure what pic to post for this entry, but this is one I took a couple months ago that I think is just simple and candid… the beginning of Madeline Ever After.  I'm still working on finding my voice and fine-tuning my inner dialogue, but getting closer every day.