I can't speak for all trans people, but for me, the interior has never matched with the exterior. That is to say, how I actually look has never aligned with how I think I look (or would like to look). Since I began my transition four months ago things have gotten a little better. A little. The hormones are helping to soften my skin and alter my bone structure (especially in my feet and hands). The laser hair removal, slowly but surely, has reduced the amount of hair on my face and elsewhere. Cosmetic treatments, like micro-needling and Dysport, have also helped to feminize my face. I'm still trying to get the hair on the top of my head right (the subject of a future blog, for sure), but I do also have several wigs that help me appear more feminine. And, I have a closetful of women's clothing, shoes, and accessories that I love to don. But the most important thing I desperately need to nurture is my inner glow; the essence of my inner woman. She has always been there, but I was taught at a very early age, mostly through shaming and ridicule, to tamp her down... way, way down. I'm so grateful that she survived all that, but it's now time to let her surface, shine through, and dominate.
The picture below is one I took a couple months ago of a beautiful, bright orange poppy I saw when Eric and I were at local nursery buying some plants for the back patio. It reminds me of my inner glow and when I see it or think about it, I am reminded to tap into that energy and let it surface and shine.
Every once in a while I relax enough and feel comfortable enough for my inner glow to surface, and occasionally it's captured in a picture, like the one below. This was taken by Eric at our kitchen table, after I returned home from getting my hair/wig cut by Jessie at Salon Benders in Long Beach. I love going to Salon Benders and talking with Jessie... she's truly a lovely human. Anyway, Eric said something to make me laugh while snapping this photo and I think the inner glow surfaced in that moment.
And, finally, here she is again in this pic that was snapped on my first day of kindergarten, before the ridicule and shaming set in entirely.
I have 50 years of unlearning to do, but I know I'll get there.
This is one of my favorite posts, and I think bout it often and also about my inner glow. Sometimes it takes a conscious effort to conjure it up, but it's always brewing there under the surface, and I find that just forcing myself to smile (even if I'm wearing a mask) helps tremendously. The inner glow is essential. It's everything, really. Just have to keep reminding myself of that, and letting it shine through.
ReplyDelete