So, I’m completely wiped out but at the same time on cloud nine. My first day at work presenting as Madeline was magical. Although I was incredibly anxious, terrified really, this morning as I pulled into the parking lot, I just powered through, made my way into the building and up the stairs to my office suite on the second floor. The first person I encountered was one of my team-members, Anne, who met me with a big hug, a bottle of champagne, and a big bouquet of flowers.
After I got settled in to my office, our Departmental Administrative Assistant, LeAnne, stopped by with a hug and some beautiful words of encouragement and support. My dear colleague, Helen then popped in to say hello and root me on. It went like that for most of the day, actually. I had a Departmental meeting at 9:00, and it was just business as usual… no one making a fuss, which I appreciated. My friend and colleague, Laura, stopped by in between meetings to voice her support, which was so comforting.
Somehow, Anne managed to turn her one bottle of champagne into a full-blown reception to which everyone was invited at 3:00 PM, and to my surprise, about 30 people attended! Ordinarily my social anxiety kicks into high gear with these types of things, but I forced myself to be present, and I was. I thanked everyone for coming and for all of their amazing support, and acknowledged what a special place we are privileged to work at. It was all really lovely, and authentic, which just amazes me on so many levels. Never, did I ever expect such a warm and welcoming show of support. I’m truly honored and humbled.
At some point throughout the day, I found time to update my name, profile, and pic on LinkedIn as well as the American Association of Colleges of Pharmacy (AACP) website. The latter was important because our annual meeting, though virtual again this year, is happening next week. Related to that, I also sent an email to my former colleagues (or at least a select group of them) at Western New England University, as I anticipate possibly running in to a few of them at the meeting. The overwhelming response from my WNE colleagues was positive and supportive. Just amazing. Finally, I replaced the signage outside of my office to reflect my current name, which was possible due to the efforts of my dear friend and colleague, Holly.
When I got back to my office after the reception, my email revealed an ecard that just about everyone in the School of Pharmacy signed with a personal note of encouragement. And, just before I left for the day, one colleague stopped by to share her support as well as her own personal journey with leaving her conservative home environment, shedding her head and body coverings and transitioning into her current life. I’m absolutely amazed, astounded, and humbled. Never would have predicted such a positive reaction or response, but am ever so thankful and relieved, because this is it—Madeline ever after.
Last, but not least, I was welcomed home by my beautiful family… Gertrude and Artie in the yard and at the door, and my loving husband Eric, with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a dry gin martini, and an amazing dinner. I am truly one very lucky lady. Exhausted and emotionally drained, yes, but one step closer to my authentic self.
This truly was a magical day, and I know in time it's going to be one that I remember very fondly. Right now, though I feel like I relive it (or the feelings of anxiety with anticipating it) every day when I go to work. When I get closer to the building my stomach starts to turn and my heart rate speeds up etc. I'm still scared shitless walking into the building, or walking down the hall, or attending meetings, or going to the restroom. It. Is. HARD. But, I'm doing it. Every day I'm doing it. I show up. I walk the halls. I go to my meetings (and participate, or often times lead). I use the restroom. Yes, it's hard, but I'm doing it and I'm surviving. And, more than that, I'm fucking proud of myself, because it's taken every ounce of inner strength and courage I have (much of it I didn't even now was there) to do it, without letting even one little ball drop with my work. And even day it's getting a little easier. I don't celebrate these sorts of things enough, and I'm not sure why, but dammit, I'm going to start.
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