This morning I made the decision that I will begin presenting full-time as my new, true self, Madeline/Maddie, on Monday July 12, 2021. I have had a lot of anxiety around when and how to fully transition at work, but I know I just need to “rip off the Band Aid” and do it. So, Monday it will be.
Mostly I’m excited about this. I’m ready, and it is time. However, as I’m certain all trans people eventually come to realize, I know this also means saying farewell to Matthew. I came to this realization myself this morning as I walked down to the shore, and I will admit, the thought brought tears to my eyes. I snapped the selfie below, the last I’ll take of Matthew:
This is a hard post for me to revisit, but here I am anyway. Lots of things are hard, and I've done a lot of them, so this is not new. Not too long after this post I submitted my petition for a name and gender change with the superior court of California, and everything will be finalized in about one month. Aside from the legal/formal documents, I've been living full time as Madeline/Maddie now for quite a while, and even at work that's who I am full time. No one calls me Matt or Matthew anymore, except my mother, who I haven't spoken to in months, but who just this afternoon called and left me a voicemail. I'm still grappling with if/when/how to tell her, so no doubt that will be the topic of another blog post (if not several). Lots to unpack there... just not sure it's worth the time or effort. To be continued...
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