Happy Fourth-of-July weekend!
When I think back to this time last year or the year before, I am amazed at how much has changed in my life! This time last year, we had just oved across the country, I was just starting my new job, and we were all still in the trenches of navigating the COVID-19 pandemic. The world was, quite literally, a different place. The year before that, Eric and I were in the trenches of navigating the “Jay ordeal” (the topic of, no doubt, several future blogs, but I’m not getting into all that now), and our lives were completely different than they are now. Fast-forward to 7/4/2021, and I’m almost 5 months into my gender transition, perhaps the biggest change I’ve ever had to navigate! While growth and change are good and beautiful things, they can take their toll, and this is definitely one I’m finding I need a lot of help and guidance with.
First and foremost is my loving husband, Eric, with whom I just celebrated 9 years of marriage. He is my rock and loyal companion on this and all journeys. I know he struggles at time with my incessant insecurities, but he is always incredibly patient and understanding. I also have a couple of wonderful remote friends and one or two family who are there for me, and a great support system at work. I have a great doctor, therapist, laser hair removal technician, and am finding other local services that offer tremendous support (e.g., Salon Benders). I’m getting there, but still very much a work in progress.
Instagram has opened up a world of trans connections, as well, and I’m learning a lot from various blogs I follow, as well. It was through one such blog, Lucille Sorella’s Femme Secrets, that I learned about and purchased The Sleep Sparkle Program, to help me with my transition (and sleep!) as I sleep. This program is very simple and helps to nurture the “inner glow” I wrote about in a previous blog, because I am a firm believer that “to become the best female version of yourself, you need to start from the inside out.”
It supposedly takes a minimum of 21 days for the effects of these audio recordings to be realized, but I’ve been listening to them now for just about five days and am already noticing a few things. Namely, I’m sleeping a little longer and better. I’m also carrying myself with a little more confidence and feeling a little more comfortable in my skin. I wouldn’t say it’s having a dramatic impact just yet, but it’s certainly not hurting, and I will definitely take all the help I can get!
I just noticed the date of this post (July 4, 2021) and it's exactly one month later. I have listened to these recordings while I sleep (or, more frequently, while I attempt to fall asleep) every single night since the end of June/early July. Sometimes I feel like my brain is subconsciously fighting against them, buy that just makes me all the more determined to keep listening. One of the lessons is "my subconscious mind is the most powerful tool I have in my feminization," or something to that effect, and I whole-heartedly believe that. The challenge here, though, is I have about 50 years' worth of un-programming to do, so it's just going to take some time. I put up so many walls and barriers, perfected so many affected movements, mannerisms, and speech patterns, etc. that I just have to undo all that shit to get to me. Sometimes it feels like I'm forcing it, but that is not in reality the case-- I'm just untangling a huge, nasty knot and it's going to take some time, effort, finesse, and help from others. I will get there. I know I will.
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