Ups and Downs

As with anything else in life, I knew there would be ups and downs with transitioning.  Highs and lows.  In fact, I had anticipated there would be more lows than highs, but I am thankful that that is not the case.  Maybe there will be as I venture further along the path, though I sincerely hope not.  While the lows certainly haven’t out-numbered the highs for me so far, they have definitely had an impact.  And sometimes what seems like a very small, insignificant thing can do considerable damage and take a long time and a lot of effort to process and move beyond.  

For example, Monday was not a good day for me… not just because it was a Monday (though Mondays do, in general, suck), but more so because I had a committee meeting first thing in the morning, during which one of my colleagues repeatedly misgendered and dead-named me (not just once or twice, but four or five times in succession, without any effort to correct himself or apologize).  It was a Zoom meeting, so I could tell that this made most people uncomfortable, especially me, and I left the meeting feeling dejected, angry, marginalized, and discouraged.  I felt that way for the rest of the day, through the evening, and into the next morning.  One thing that helped immensely was being able to vent to two of my other colleagues and friends, one of whom took action the next day (she’s in a position to do so), and confronted the offender on his action, without disclosing how she knew.  Almost immediately afterward, this person came to my office to apologize, profusely, saying that he fully supports me and my transition and wasn’t aware of what he was doing.  I believe his apology and explanation were sincere and it really helped to clear the air.  He even sent out an apology and explanation email to everyone who was present at the meeting, which I think was a nice gesture.  

So, I was misgendered and dead-named… so what, right?  Seems like a little thing. Insignificant, even.  Well to me, at the time, and even now as I reflect on the incident, it was no little thing.  It stung very badly and ate into my self-confidence and feelings of self-worth.  And I didn’t handle it well.  I internalized my feelings and let them fester until I felt comfortable enough to reach out to a couple others.  Thankfully, I have some pretty awesome and amazing people on my side.  This is just one example of many “little” things that have chipped away at my psyche over the last couple weeks, and little things add up.  

Juliana, my therapist, if you’re reading this, I’ve been putting these things on my “shelf,” and that’s helping.  Instead of a shelf, though, I’m thinking of using a box (a lovely, stylish box, of course), because I don’t want to “see” them on a regular basis, and shelves are for books (which I love) and other lovely things that are meant to be seen and admired.  

I know I need to work on developing better mechanisms for coping with difficult things in the moment, but I am getting there.  Oh, and for the record, I despise roller coasters.