Equilibrium

This week’s discussion topic for my Facebook group, “Transition Talk with Wendy and James,” is: Who’s stuck not moving forward?  In response to that, I honestly have to say “not I.”  No, indeed.  On the contrary, I feel like I’ve been moving forward at warp speed since the start of this year (with my transition) or even sooner (in general).  

 

Since about November of 2019, in fact, things have been moving forward at a rapid pace: decision to pursue a new job, prepping the application materials, the interviews, finishing up at my (then) current institution, preparing to move, selling the house, finding a new one, the cross-country move (during a pandemic), the pandemic (!), starting a new job, building a new home, and all the changes at work.  

 

And then in January of 2021, transitioning: the decision, finding a doctor, starting HRT, losing weight, laser hair removal, wigs, a completely new wardrobe, facial cosmetic treatments, finding a therapist, therapy, starting to turn out/present in public, coming out to friends, coming out at work, legally changing my name and gender, and blogging.  So, I guess I’m really experiencing more of the opposite of being “stuck,” which is not a bad thing, but does take its toll.  For me that’s come in the form of increased anxiety and difficulty sleeping—a horrible combination of things that perpetuate one another.  Adding progesterone go my HRT regimen, and the EMDR I’m doing with Juliana have both helped with this, though, and things are slowly but surely settling down a little.  They will have to settle down quite a bit more in the coming weeks as I get ready for and then recover from the neck/spine surgery I’ll be having in mid-September, which will no doubt be the subject of a future blog post or two.

 

Before all of this, I was definitely stuck not moving forward.  So, I know what it’s like, the feelings it evokes (hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, depression, negative self-image, etc.) and the bad behaviors it promotes (over-eating, over-drinking, laziness, etc.).  Obviously, none of these things are good or desirable, either.  I cannot speak for everyone, but for me, happiness probably lives somewhere in between the breakneck pace I’ve been moving at for the past two years, and being stuck like I was before that.   In chemistry, we call that equilibrium.  Before long, I’m confident that I’ll achieve my equilibrium and find some balance in my life as a woman.  There is so much ahead that I'm looking forward to, and I want to slow down enough to enjoy it all, without getting stuck again.