Power

Spoiler alert for Eric: Do NOT scroll to the bottom of this post.  It will be triggering for you.

The other morning in the bathroom, after Eric had finished applying my makeup for the day (yes, he does that… He’s so much better at it than I, though I am learning and sometimes do it myself!), he said to me, something to the effect of “You look so beautiful.  You just need to realize that and stop giving away your power.”  

It’s not the first time he’s made reference to “my power,” and how I give it away too easily, but to be honest, I never really understood what he meant by that.  What “power” did I have?  And, how exactly was I giving it away?  So, I finally just asked him to explain what he meant by that.  He did, and now I understand. Apparently, my “power” is really just the same thing as what I’ve been referring to lately as my “inner glow.”  Perfect example of how boys and girls think about things so entirely differently!  

And Eric’s right—I do have a tendency to give away my power, or let others dampen and sometimes extinguish my inner glow.  So, maybe I need to start thinking about it more in terms of being power, because power is, well, more powerful… stronger, more commanding and confident… not power over others, like dominance, privilege, or superiority.  But, rather, inner strength, unyielding self-conviction, resilience, and resolve to stay on course.  It’s not to be “given away,” but rather cherished and allowed to shine brightly in the face of others, especially those who’d like to take it away or extinguish it.  In fact, Janet Mock, in her first book, "Redefining Realness," quotes feminist theorist and cultural critic bell hooks on this: "Sometimes people try to destroy you, precisely because they recognize your power--not because they o't see it, but because they see it and they don't want it to exist."  Eric pointed this out to me in the bathroom that morning (yes, I made him read the book!).

 

Whether it’s power or inner glow, what it boils down to really is completely resisting the urge to let the negative thoughts, opinions, or actions of others impact my own thoughts or self-perception.  This is what it means to “not give away my power,” to unapologetically live my authentic life.  And lately the universe has been pulling (pushing?) me in that direction, both in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.  

 

Of the subtle messages I’ve been getting has come in the form of a song I’ve heard more and more frequently lately on the radio in the car as I commute to and/or from work: Charlie Puth’s “See You Again.”  This is a song that has always reminded me of a very hard time in my life, the day our beloved rescue dog, Cecil, passed.  It played on the radio as I drove away from the emergency vet hospital one evening in late January of 2017, in tears after we had just put Cecil down.  At that moment, and every time I’ve heard that song since, I believe/d it was Cecil speaking to me directly, telling me to have strength and carry on, until we meet again.

To understand the connection here between power/inner glow, subtle communications from the universe, and Cecil, let me explain a little about Cecil.  In a word, he was magical.  He came to us in spring of 2009, rescued from a situation of gross neglect, unkempt, malnourished, and missing all but one of his teeth, which made his tongue hang out of his mouth perpetually.  None of this, none of it, diminished Cecil’s spirit even one iota.  His power, his inner glow, was limitless and luminous.  He brought us incredible joy in the eight short years we had together, and, I believe in my heart he is helping me now.