Grace

So much of what I’ve posted here in this blog has been focused on moving forward and next steps, or observational of something that isn’t going so well or according to plan.  Rarely have I taken the time to stop and appreciate how far I’ve come in such a short amount of time, or pause to afford myself the grace to stumble or veer off the path I’ve set for myself.  “Grace” is a word that Julianna used in my therapy session last week, and for some reason it really resonated.  It’s ironic that I hadn’t yet come to that word for myself sooner for as much as I’ve admired and followed my trans sister, Cassandra Grace, whose book “Grace in Transition: The First Four Seasons,” was one of the first in the genre I read many months ago.  I guess it’s one thing to acknowledge grace in or for others, but another matter entirely to focus it inward.

I made a mental note in therapy last week to blog about “grace” for myself, so here goes… I’ll start by defining the word, or at least the version of the word that applies here.  Grace: kindness, forgiveness, leniency, charity, reprieve.  I posted recently about kindness, but even in that post there was no mention of kindness toward myself.  I also posted recently about reprieve, but it also didn’t include any mention of reprieve from my own self-judgement.  I’ve never posted about forgiveness, leniency, or charity.  Since “grace” engenders all of those things, I will attempt to capture them here.

As a first act of grace for myself, I will acknowledge and celebrate how much I have accomplished over the last several months… I did a little bit of that in my post, Equilibrium, but that ended up being more of a chronological laundry list of actions made than a celebration of the real changes that have occurred for me, in me.  Here’s my humble nod to those:

• I’ve learned to be a little braver at getting out of my comfort zone and embracing vulnerability;
• I’ve learned to let my emotions have a seat at the table, and even let myself cry when it feels right to do so;  
• I’ve learned to self-reflect on things and share my thoughts and feelings with others… not just in this blog, but in therapy, and in my everyday interactions with others; 
• I’ve learned to listen a little better and be a little more open-minded with regard to the perspectives of others that are different from my own;
• I’m learning to walk with confidence in and with myself; 
• I’m learning to let go of the need to please, be liked by, or meet the approval of others.

Of the bullets listed above, the hardest one for me and the one I’m making the slowest progress with is the last one.  I’m definitely trying to be more conscious of the need to move in that direction, because, yes, I do realize that without that one, the others are either meaningless, impossible, or both.  But, in the spirit of grace, I’m acknowledging and giving myself credit for the progress that I have made.  I’m acknowledging and giving myself credit for the incredible strength it has taken, and that I have found deep within myself, to make it even this far along on my journey.  I acknowledge and celebrate my willingness to be brave, vulnerable, emotional, open-minded, self-reflective, and confident on my journey to “Madeline ever after.”