Self-awareness

On my commute home last night I listened to a podcast called “How to be a Better Human,” this one specifically focusing on self-awareness, or “How to Tap into Your Self-Awareness and Why it Matters,” with Tasha Eurich.  It was a late day and I was tired and frustrated from work, so I was only half listening, but it really got me thinking about just how self-aware I actually am (or not, as the case may be).  

I guess in my own head I’m pretty self-aware.  I have a pretty good idea of who I actually am, my values, my strengths, and my weaknesses.  The problem is, until very recently, the way I’ve presented myself to the world (externally) is very different than who I actually am.  From a very early age, in fact, not only did I suppress my authentic self, but I also actively worked to affect a persona I felt would better help me navigate (survive?) the world I was living in.  Although that was probably an easier path for me than it would have been to remain true to my inner self, and I suppose it did help me survive in a way, it also did a lot of damage that I am only now attempting to repair.

 

Fortunately, I didn’t lose my inner self altogether, and she is now thankfully beginning to see the light of day.  I am incredibly envious of and have tremendous admiration, though, for people, especially young people, who have the strength to live their authentic lives, who insist on being themselves, and have the confidence and grace to persist in the face of daily adversities.  They not only have self-awareness, but they are actualizing their self-awareness in ways that I never could as a young person.  They are free. 

 

In terms of my own self-awareness, I would say “yes,” I am aware of who I am, but my true self-awareness has been significantly stunted from years and years of captivity.  Every day, Eric and I see new glimpses of Madeline in Matthew’s wake, and it’s liberating.  Matthew did what he needed to do to survive, and he taught me some valuable skills and left me with an inner sense of discipline and determination that Madeline may not have tapped into on her own.  He worked very hard and was incredibly focused.  But he was also dogmatic at times in his opinions about how things should be, very impatient, and he could be very narrow-minded and dismissive of others.  

 

This is starting to sound a bit schizophrenic, which I am not—I do not have multiple personalities.  I have just had to (chosen to?) live two different lives, or, I suppose, as two different people: Matthew and Madeline. Madeline has always been my true inner self, and Matthew is who I presented to the world until recently.  Matthew was a survival technique that I no longer need and can no longer tolerate.  

 

So, who is Madeline?  What is her self-awareness?  What is my self-awareness?  I’m just discovering it, but it is emerging, bit by bit.  Some of who I am I’ve learned and retained from Matthew and other things I’m discovering anew.  So, along with the physical transformation that comes with transitioning, is an inner transformation—a liberation of self and emergence and actualization of self-awareness.  Like the physical transformation, though, the inner transformation also takes time and effort.  But I’m getting there.