The Monger

As much as I love Christmas and the long holiday season in general, there is also a certain satisfaction with putting it all away and starting a fresh new year.  Today we’re taking down all of the holiday decorations, the Christmas tree, wreath and outdoor lights, and packing them all up for next year (or this year, now, I guess).  We’re a little later than usual with this activity this year than we have been in the past, with Eric not feeling well and myself wrapped up in work and COVID-related annoyances, but alas it’s getting done and it feels good.  

I rolled up my sleeves this morning and set to work, possibly because I’ve been feeling a general sense of malaise and lack of control, especially with work, and I just needed to do something physical with an actual endpoint to help snap myself out of it and get back a little sense of control.  I continue to struggle with this (the need to feel “in control”) despite months and months of reflection, blogging, and therapy, though I think it’s getting at least a little better.  At any rate, it’s something to keep working on through the new year and beyond.

 

In therapy this week I learned about something called the “monger,” which is a voice or presence in our minds that serves as a constant reminder of negative thoughts and feelings.  Mine looks like this:

 

This is actually an image of an adult Toxocara roundworm, which lives in the small intestines of infected cats and dogs, but it’s as close as I could find to the image I have in my head of my own personal monger.  It’s hideous, infectious, and insidious (both the parasite, and my monger), so I think it’s a most fitting image.  Having a mental image of the monger has really helped me to focus my efforts on shutting her the fuck up, or at least calming her down, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep.  

 

I also learned in therapy this week about “ASK,” which is an acronym for a technique through which you acknowledge a negative feeling or emotion, sink into it (physically), and then kindly lift the curtain to your most inner positive self.  I need to remember to use this technique when the monger gets a little too active, or just in general.  Life is too short to focus on the negative and/or let the negative actions of others impact how I respond to external stimuli over which I have no control.  I can control my own thoughts and responses to external (or even internal) stimuli, and that’s about it.  And, if perception is reality, and I firmly believe that it is, once again I must remind myself to focus on my perception of and responses to, well, just about everything.

 

For over a week now I’ve been engaging with an app called “Calm,” to help me meditate for ten minutes or so every morning.  I think it’s a little too soon to know if or how it’s working, but I do enjoy the process and will continue to use the app.  While each “Daily Calm” has a particular theme, the main focus is on practicing mindfulness by focusing on the breath.  It’s incredible to me how difficult it is to actually focus, without letting my mind wander or being distracted by external things (dogs barking, husband whistling or making noise) or my ever-present monger.  It’s good practice, though, and I’ll get there, I’m sure.  Another feature of the Calm app is the Sleep component, which consists of audio recordings designed to facilitate sleep (bedtime stories for adults, sort of).  I have only just started using the Sleep component but have already experienced some noticeable benefits—first and foremost, for the first time in many, many months, I have actually been able to sleep soundly for extended periods of time during the night.  This is a major breakthrough for me and potential game-changer.  I think it’s been so effective because the recordings are designed to completely occupy the mind with restful, blissful images and sounds which, for me, helps to drown out the monger.  Never in a million years would I have thought something like this would work for me, but so far it is and I am truly greatful.