This year, as the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, I’m going to commit to reflecting and posting on something I’m thankful for in my life for 21 days—now until Thanksgiving Day. I think it’s only fitting given the huge steps forward the universe has allowed me to take in my life this year. And although this journey has been fraught with challenges and obstacles, it’s also been the most personally rewarding and self-affirming pathway I’ve ever been so privileged to walk. I know there are many more to come, but for both the challenges and rewards (past, present, and future), I am grateful—they have helped me get closer to my inner self and closer to sharing her with the world. Here are some of the things I am thankful for this holiday season:
Day 1 – Thursday 11/04/2021:
Day 2 – Friday 11/05/2021:
I am grateful for my job, and my career. Although it's Friday night and I'm exhausted because I've had a few very hectic and stressful weeks of work, I'm still grateful to be gainfully employed. For now I'm going to leave it a that.
Day 3 – Saturday 11/06/2021:
I am thankful for “Cole,” my dark grey 2017 Subaru Forester, which I have had since September of 2016. I know it sounds a little cooky to be thankful for a car, especially since it’s more or less a necessity in Southern California, but I am. When I lived in Chicago (2000-2012) I didn’t have a car—not only was it unnecessary, but it would have actually been an inconvenience (no parking!). For those twelve years, it was liberating to not have the responsibility of owning a car, and the public transportation in Chicago is amazing, so I could get wherever I needed to no problem. My commute to and from work was easy and fun and I did a good deal of walking in those days, as well, which I loved and was good for me. However, when we moved from Chicago to Western Massachusetts in 2012, we knew we’d need a car. And in those days, I wasn’t making as much money as I am now, and Eric wasn’t working, so we bought a used car from a Craig’s List ad: a 1993 Volvo 240 sedan, white with beige interior. Eric drove that car from Chicago to Western Massachusetts with our two rescue dogs (at that time, Monte and Cecil) in the spring of 2012, while I finished up the semester at DePaul University. Eric nick-named our Volvo “the Great White Hope,” and it was a fantastic car for the four and a half years we had it. But it was a very old car and it was challenging at times to manage with just the one. So, in September of 2016, we decided it was time to upgrade and look into leasing a new car. At the dealership, we got such a good rate on my Forester that we decided to lease a second car for Eric—a white Subaru Outback. We finished out the leases on both of those cars in 2020 and decided to buy (finance) them. We drove Eric’s Outback all the way from Western Massachusetts down to Southern California when I got the job at Chapman University in 2020, and had Cole shipped with the rest of our stuff. We’ve been through a lot with both of our cars and they’ve served us well. My current commute from Long Beach to Irvine is about 30 miles one way and usually takes me an hour each way, so I spend a good deal of time in my car now, and it’s become a little sanctuary of sorts for me as I navigate traffic on the 405. I love my car and am thankful to have it.
I am thankful to be living in Long Beach. It was only by some combination of divine intervention, fate, luck, and guidance from the universe that we ended up here as we scrambled to find a place to live in Southern California after we very quickly sold our home in Massachusetts in May of 2020. It was right at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic and we were not able to fly out to CA to look for a place in person, so we relied on the internet and the graces of others. It was a nightmare and very scary, until our realtor in MA hooked us up with a realtor in CA and he found us a great rental house… in Long Beach. We weren’t even looking in Long Beach—too far from work, I thought, and Eric had some bad experiences there in the 90s with work trips, etc. But we gave it a chance and we absolutely love it here… perfect combination of big-city/small-town feel, socially progressive, mostly politically liberal, great restaurants, bars, and shopping. Yes, it’s a bit of a hike to and from Irvine every day, but I’m managing pretty well (see above entry). We hope to buy here within the next year or so and look forward to setting up a home of our own and nesting.
I am thankful for the routines and rituals I make time for and that lend some stability to my life… like coffee-time in the morning and cocktails in the evening, Sunday dinners with Eric, and “linners” out on the weekends… and even some that aren’t related to eating or drinking, like my weekly therapy sessions, picking up or dropping off stuff at the dry-cleaners, monthly visits to the nail salon, Saturday and/or Sunday mornings at the gym, and even my monthly waxing sessions with Summer. I’m sure there are others, but those are the ones that come to mind. I’ve reflected on “Traditions and Rituals” in another blog post, mainly those associated with holidays, but I think that even everyday routines, at least for me, are important.
Day 8 – Thursday 11/11/2021:
I am thankful for books and my love of reading, which I developed at a very young age. Some of my first memories, at age 3 or 4, are of the books I read (or looked at, as they were mainly pictures at that age) when I was supposed to be napping. I liked my quiet time at a child (still do!) and could get lost for hours in my books. I have always loved libraries, as well, and spent a good deal of time during my childhood and adolescence in one. Even through college and grad school, I’d hibernate in the library—though usually it was for studying or working at that phase of my life. But books and reading have always been a huge part of my life, and I treasure them. Since we moved from Massachusetts to Southern California, most of our books have remained in storage—we’ve been renting and it didn’t seem practical to unpack them temporarily. I miss seeing and accessing them, though, and look forward to being reunited with them in the (hopefully) near future. We did have to purchase a small bookshelf recently as we’ve purchased and read many new books in the year-and-a-half since we’ve moved here. I’m thankful that Eric and I share a love for books and reading, and even though our tastes are fairly different (he prefers non-fiction and biographies, while I love fiction), occasionally we recommend things to each other, which is lovely. I’ve always imagined that in my old age and retirement, I will spend a lot of time indulging my passion for reading… I only hope my eyesight holds out that long.
Day 10 – Saturday 11/13/2021:
I am thankful for my bad mood. This seems to me like a ridiculous thing for which to be thankful, but I went to bed in a rotten mood last night, and woke up in an even worse one this morning. And it’s just gotten even worse as the day has progressed. Normally I like to do my writing in the morning but today I could not for the life of me think of anything for which I was thankful. When Eric asked me about this later in the day, he said I should just be thankful for my bad mood and look at it as an opportunity to reflect inward and figure out why I’m feeling the way I am. Well, this is very much in line with the mentality I have been trying to nurture in myself lately so I guess it is, in fact, an opportunity to exercise some control over my own thoughts and feelings, figure out the root causes, and resolve the situation. Mainly I’ve been letting work get to me a LOT lately. It’s affecting me much more than it should…. Too many things going on at once and too many conflicting opinions about how things should be. I’m not feeling in control, and I don’t like it. I’m not feeling like things are orderly and aligned, and I don’t like it. But giving in to these feelings and letting them negatively impact my personal time is something I can control, and I can choose to leave things at work while I enjoy my weekend, because rationally I know that everything will be there waiting for me on Monday morning—whether or not I had a good weekend or a good night’s sleep. I also know that time and distance can help with perspective. It’s just before 5:00 p.m. on Saturday, and I am going to focus the rest of my time this weekend on personal stuff, change my mood, and enjoy my downtime. Happiness is a state of mind, and I'm grateful I have the opportunity to change mine.
Day 11 – Sunday 11/14/2021:
I am ever so thankful for restful sleep, when I get it, which is infrequent. Yesterday, Saturday, after a morning of errands and lunch out at The Prospector, we arrived home around 3:00 p.m. and both conked out for naps. I slept for just an hour, but it was very restful. I’m not sure why it is, but that is usually the case when I nap, which is also infrequent. Last night I slept okay—better than the night before—but still woke up three or four times to go to the bathroom. Fortunately, each time I was able to get back to sleep pretty readily. Consequently, my mood and spirits are much higher this morning than they were yesterday. There was a time when I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and didn’t wake till morning. I don’t honestly know why that is no longer the case, especially since I’ve recently (within the last six months) cut back on how much coffee I drink. Maybe it’s just a side effect of aging, or maybe I just really need to put more effort into chanting, meditating, and quieting my brain at night (and, perhaps, during the day as well). Like any other challenge, this is an opportunity for growth and for me to work at effecting a positive change in my life. How does the song go…?
Day 12 – Monday 11/15/2021:
Especially around this time of year, I am thankful for the Hallmark Channel and holiday-themed movies. I’ve been watching them nightly for more than a week now, and even though I know they’re corny and unrealistic (or maybe even because of this), they really just make me happy and put me in the holiday spirit. I look forward to them all year and now that they’re on every night, I look forward to them throughout the day. Yes, they’re cheesy, and yes, they’re formulaic and predictable, but after a long, stressful day at work I welcome the reprieve from thinking for a couple of hours. Every now and then I shed a tear, and once in a while I learn something new, but mostly it’s just a chance for me to relax and enjoy a bit of holiday joy. And what could be wrong with that? This weekend we bought an artificial Christmas tree and a wreath, and I’m so looking forward to taking some time off during Thanksgiving and decorating for Christmas the following day. For all of these things, I am thankful.
Day 13 – Tuesday 11/16/2021:
I am thankful for my ability to write and am grateful for recently having reconnected with writing as a creative and expressive outlet. I have always enjoyed writing and it’s always been a tool I’ve relied on for school and work, but since I started transitioning it’s also become a sort of therapy for me, especially within the context of this blog, which I have been working on for about five months now. I can see that I have some readers, though there are rarely (if ever) any comments, and that’s okay; I’m just glad to be offering something up to the universe that others might find interesting and benefit from. Mostly, though, the blog is for me to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head in a way that requires me to try to make sense of or at least recognize or reflect on them. It’s also a great way of documenting my experiences as I transition, and I get a lot out of going back to old posts, reading about how I was feeling at that particular moment in time, and reflecting on the progress I’ve made since. Sometimes I even post comments or updates to myself… I’m actually making a mental note to do this during the Thanksgiving holiday next week—seems like an appropriate time to be reflective. In addition to the blog, I’ve also recently been dipping my foot into the waters of writing creatively, which is something I have never been able to do in the past. So far, I’ve drafted three short stories and one essay. One of the short stories may turn into a sort of blog or website for others to contribute to, and I’m polishing up the other two to submit for publication. It’s been a month or so since I’ve dedicated any time or effort to my creative writing, but I will get back to it soon… just writing about it makes me want to do so. I’m not sure if anything fruitful or productive will come of it, beyond my own self-discovery and satisfaction, but maybe that’s enough.
Day 14 – Wednesday 11/17/2021:
I am grateful for all the things I have, my worldly possessions, my “stuff.” I have never been one to put a huge value on material things and typically don’t lust after things I can’t (or shouldn’t afford), and I’m definitely not a pack-rat—less is more, as the saying goes. But I am truly grateful that I have reached a point in life where I really want for nothing. We live in a nice house that is filled with nice furniture, art, and books. Our kitchen is fully stocked and nicely appointed. Our closets and drawers are filled with good clothes and shoes, and we have two reliable cars in the garage. Thinking back to my post on “The Ten Worlds,” and more specifically to the Maslow’s theory of self-actualization, my physical needs are met and generally I feel safe. This has freed me up to focus on my psychological and esteem needs on my journey toward self-actualization. In that journey, however, I still oscillate between the ten worlds of the Buddhist philosophy on a daily basis, but I am slowly learning to exercise control over my own thought process so that I don’t spend so much time in those lower worlds (Hell, Hunger, Animality, Anger) and move more readily into the higher worlds (tranquility, heaven, learning, realization). This has been perhaps the most challenging part of my journey this year, but I think it will yield the biggest payoff in the end. I am truly fortunate that I don’t have to worry about where I’m going to sleep, or what I’m going to eat, or how I’m going to get to where I need to go, and that I can indulge in the luxury of focusing on my inner self. Having just written that, I do realize that it’s a bit of a “cart-before-the-horse” way of thinking, and that anyone at any time can (and should) focus inward, but it’s just not how I’ve lived my life up till now. So, I am also grateful that at the ripe old age of 51 I am finally figuring it out.
Day 15 – Thursday 11/18/2021:
At this time of year, I am thankful for Christmas music on the radio. I stopped listening to the radio during my commute to and from work months ago because it was just getting too repetitive and the commercials were driving me nuts. I switched to podcasts, audio books, and Amazon music, all of which have made those two hours a day in my car all the more enjoyable. But I will admit, I have missed my radio station (KOST 103.5 FM), especially Ellen K and Ryan in the morning. Since I was a teenager and had a stereo in my room, I have always enjoyed the silly banter of morning DJs. I’m not sure why this is so, as it’s fairly out-of-character for me, but it is—guilty pleasure, I guess, like Hallmark holiday movies. As of last Friday, KOST has begun its annual tradition of all-day Christmas music, and even though we haven’t even had Thanksgiving yet, I’m reveling in it, especially in the morning. It’s just happy, fun, traditional music, and it puts me in a good mood. By December 26, I will have had my fill and I’ll be ready to switch back to podcasts, etc., but for right now and the next month or so, I am grateful for the Christmas music on my favorite local FM radio staion.
Today I am thankful for the upcoming week of vacation I have scheduled for the Thanksgiving holiday. I have a jam-packed full day of meetings today, most in Zoom, but some in person… literally back-to-back from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. It’s not even 5:00 a.m. yet, so it’s going to be a very long day. What will get me through is knowing that I have a good span of downtime to look forward to, and for that I am grateful. We have a few things planned, and I’m sure we’ll come up with others throughout the week, but mostly I’m looking forward to just relaxing. Thanksgiving is on Thursday and we’ll decorate for Christmas on Friday, which will be fun. No doubt it will go by quickly, but I’ll do my best to savor it. Right now, though, it all lies ahead of me and that’s a lovely feeling.
I love this time of year for many reasons, but one of them is the cooler weather. Even in sunny Southern California, there’s a little nip in the air, especially at night and for me at least, it’s a welcome reprieve from the oppressive summer heat. I love wearing my fall and wintertime clothes, especially turtlenecks and sweaters (and turtleneck sweaters!), and bundling up under the covers in bed. I have never enjoyed the summer heat, even though it’s never really all that bad here in Long Beach, but I love the cooler temperatures of fall, winter, and early spring. So, for now, I am ever so thankful for the weather, which is putting me in a nesty sort of mood, just in time for the holidays.
During this very special year (for me) I am grateful for the hormones (estradiol and progesterone) and the hormone-blocker (sprionoloactone) that are helping me to transition. I am also thankful for my doctor, my therapist, and future surgeon, all of whom are guiding me through my journey to my authentic self. I am thankful for the health insurance that is helping to finance all of it, as well. In short, I am thankful for all of the many resources that have materialized for me over the past nine months: Skin Works Medical Spa, Godiva’s Secret Wigs, the Art of Waxing, Holly and Hudson Nail Salon, Sephora and Ulta, Salon Benders, and the list goes on. It amazes me that all of these things were already there just waiting for me to make the first move, and as soon as I made the decision to get out of my own way and make a step forward, doors flew open. There has been no judgment or awkwardness, and in most cases I have been welcomed in with open arms. Eric has been right by my side every step of the way, a constant shoulder to lean on, and often times a pair of hands to pull or push me forward when I let myself get stuck. Others have helped as well, especially Laura and Holly at work. It’s just been an amazing ride so far, one that I never thought I’d ever be able to experience, but here I am doing it, and I couldn’t be more thankful for mustering the inner strength and courage to take the first steps.
Day 19 – Monday 11/22/2021:
I am thankful for my comfy new reading chair and ottoman, and the little nook we managed to carve out of our otherwise unused front entryway to put them in. I’ve been wanting a chair and space to read for months now, and finally settled on this one from IKEA. It was inexpensive and will work well for the time being. I’m thankful the nearest IKEA had the one I wanted in stock, with the matching ottoman, and that we were able to get both boxes into the back of Eric’s car. I’m thankful that Eric was able to put them together, as well, because if there’s one thing I despise doing, it’s putting stuff together, especially from IKEA. I am looking forward to some downtime this week in my new chair and am definitely thankful for this.
On this, the penultimate day of my 21-day campaign of gratitude and thanks, I am simply thankful for having so much in my life to be grateful for. To recap, these include:
1. My husband and best friend, Eric
2. My job at Chapman University
3. My dogs, Gertrude and Artie
4. My good health
5. My car
6. My home I Long Beach, CA
7. My daily routines and rituals
8. My books, and books in general
9. Weekends
10. My bad moods
11. Restful sleep
12. Hallmark holiday movies
13. My ability to write
14. My worldly possessions
15. Christmas music on the radio
16. Holiday vacations
17. Cooler weather
18. Hormones and other resources for transitioning
19. My new chair and reading nook
20. All of the above
When I set out on this challenge a few weeks ago, I didn’t know what I’d write about beyond the first few postings, but I’ve managed to come up with something every single day. Some days were easier than others, as there were several mornings when I got out of bed not feeling particularly thankful for anything and really just wanting to focus on the negative. I do that a lot, even though I know it’s not productive and only makes things worse. However, having committed to 21 days of thanks, I had to force myself to think differently at times, and turn something negative into something positive—e.g., Day 10’s bad mood. This morning, and even last night as I struggled to sleep, I found myself automatically thinking about what I am grateful for today, and that was a very nice development. So much of my journey over the past year has been about retraining my brain, or, more precisely, undoing years of training and conditioning to be something I am not. I am truly not a negative person, but I have spent many years focusing on the negative things in my life, giving them my power, and letting them dim my inner glow. The exercise in thankfulness I’ve been working on over the last few weeks has really helped me to reframe my thinking, tap into the positive energy I have in abundance inside me, and get back to my authentic self, and for this I am thankful. Here's a little video from my Instagram friend Jeffrey Marsh (@thejeffreymarsh), whose postings are always positive and motivating.
Day 21 – Wednesday 11/24/2021:
On this, the last day of my thankfulness campaign, I’m thankful for my life, all that I have experienced, and for where and who I am right now. Two memes (below) came up in my Instagram feed this morning, and they both really resonate with how I’m feeling right here and now. I am blessed and I will focus on and celebrate all that is right in my life, much of which is listed in the posts above. This thankfulness campaign has been a really meaningful exercise and I’m glad I decided to do it and commit to it. It’s so easy, especially for me, to focus on the negative or what I perceive is not right, but so much more productive to try to find the silver linings to the dark clouds. They exist. They’re everywhere. It’s just a matter of making an effort to acknowledge and learn from them.
Happy Thanksgiving to All!
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