Negative Energy

Lately I’ve been feeling a lot of negative energy… about my transition, about work, about my writing, and really just about life in general.  I know it will pass, and I’m trying to fight against it, but right now it’s there and I need to acknowledge it.  I spent most of the month of November focusing on the positive things in my life, celebrating them and giving thanks, so it seems strange that I should end up really down in the dumps on this last day of the month, and I do not know why.  I do know, however, that I can change my perception and turn it around.  That is within my power, and I think it starts with this blog posting.  I have been avoiding writing about my negative feelings, because writing about them requires that I acknowledge they exist, and (I thought) gives them life.  But I’m starting to feel differently now, like facing the negativity head-on, staring it in the face, and acknowledging it is exactly what I need to be doing.  I own these feelings and they have to come out so I can move past them and continue along my journey.  So, here goes… 

I think the source of my negative feelings is a sense of things at work being in flux and unsettled.  I’m feeling a little insecure in my position there and that scares me to death, especially regarding my transition, because I am really just getting started and need to feel safe and secure to move forward.  Sometimes I have these really irrational feelings about transitioning, like I’m not doing it right and everyone sees me as joke or a farce just waiting to crash.  I think I’m feeling like this, though, because I’m thinking about things way too much, rather than just living my life and letting my inner self shine through.  I’m not showing myself love and compassion; I’m not giving myself any grace.  I’m focusing way too much on things that I perceive as negative (my fucking facial hair, for one, and my voice, for another) rather than celebrating the positives and huge steps forward I’ve made over the past ten months.  I should know better.  I do know better, and my focus on the negative ends now. 

 

I have amazing strength and resolve and I will not be undone by negative energy.  Yes, I can let it in, but I can also look it in the eyes, stare it down, and send it cowering on its merry way.  I have way too much to be thankful for an appreciative of in my life—all aspects of it—to be side-tracked or held back by a little negativity. Nothing is ever perfect, for anyone, and it certainly isn’t for me.  But things are pretty damn good and I am blessed in so many ways.  This is me now, picking myself up, dusting myself off, and moving right along on my journey.  Thank you negative energy for allowing me to pause for a moment to ponder things, but I’m doing just fine and will now be moving on.

 

I feel better already.