Traffic

It’s been a while since my last post, and this is my attempt to get back into the swing of things.   December has been a hectic month, but with Christmas coming at the end of the week and the New Year just after that, I’m taking some time off from work to focus on personal stuff, including getting back into my writing.  The title of this blog post is “Traffic,” which has been on my mind a lot lately—not just because it seems to be getting heavier and heavier, especially on the 405 during my commute home from work, but also because it serves as a sort of analogy for how I’ve been feeling lately; that is, like I’m both literally and figuratively stuck in a traffic jam. 

It has typically taken me about an hour each way to get to and from work, but lately it’s taken longer, and one night coming home (it was raining) it took me over two hours.  I had been listening to podcasts or audio books for a while, which helped pass the time in commute productively, but lately I haven’t been doing that, I guess mainly because the radio stations are playing a lot of Christmas music, which I enjoy.  But with the heaviness of the traffic, I haven’t even enjoyed the music… it has just made me so frustrated and angry to be stuck in traffic, especially at night after working all day.  I don’t foresee it getting any lighter in the near future, though, especially as more and more people head back to work in the new year, so perhaps the solution here is to find some ways to make the time pass more enjoyably, like getting back into the podcasts and audio books.  I’ll spend some time over the next couple weeks looking for and downloading some to my phone.

As for the figurative traffic jam I’ve been stuck in recently, that has more to do with my transition and the feeling that I’ve lost a bit of the momentum I had when I started and throughout the summer and early fall.  I got so much done then and made so many huge steps forward, but I feel like it’s stalled a bit more recently.  Maybe it’s because I’ve just been putting so much of my time and energy into work, but now that I think about it, maybe that’s not such a bad thing after all.  The fact that I can focus on other things, while presenting as my authentic self, means that I’m just living my life, like any other person.  And that is the ultimate goal, really, so what’s the problem?  I guess the problem Is that I don’t feel like I’ve gotten there completely just yet—inside or out—but that I haven’t had the time or energy to focus on things that will help me move forward… hence, the feeling of being stuck in a traffic jam.  

So, what are those things that are blocking the progress of my transition?  Externally, I’m still struggling with issues related to hair (getting it the fuck off of my face and other parts of my body where it should not be, and getting the wig situation right), weight/fitness, and my voice.  Internally, I continue to grapple with my self-confidence and my abilities to love myself and change the way I think about things in general.  All of these things take time and energy, though, and I just haven’t had it (or prioritized it) lately.  That needs to change, I know, and my goal for the next two weeks of the Christmas holiday is to get myself back on track so that I can rebuild the momentum I had just few months ago and continue to move forward with my transition.

This post will mark my move back to prioritizing myself and my goals, and I am committing here and now to the following: Carving out time to write and blog; Getting back into running (and fitness in general); Getting back on my diet/nutrition plan; A hair removal schedule; Listening to podcasts and audio books during my commutes; Getting more restful sleep.

That last point is a biggie and one that’s been difficult for me to control, but so important, as without a rested mind and body, none of the other goals is doable.  I think the lack of sleep has really contributed significantly to my feelings of being stuck and my inabilities to productively cope with actually being stuck (in traffic).  With a couple weeks off from work ahead of me, I can and will make it a priority to figure that out.  Already, have been able to get up with the dogs when they want to go out at 4:00 A.M., let them out, get them situated, and go back to bed and sleep myself till 7:00 A.M. or so for the past few days, and it’s felt so amazing.  

More good stuff to come, of that I am sure.