Dear Maddie

I took a long walk this morning to clear my head of some negative thoughts and feelings I’ve been having lately.  It’s a beautiful day in Long Beach and after over five miles round-trip, I’m feeling a little bit better.  As the one-year anniversary of starting out on my transition approaches, I decided on my walk to write myself a letter of grace and compassion, because while my tendency has always been to come down hard on myself when I don’t think I’m achieving a goal or making enough progress, that is not what’s needed here.  This journey is epic, life-changing, and pretty fucking hard, so I’ve decided to cut myself some slack for once and show a little mercy.  Here goes…

Dear Maddie,

 

Even though you have always known exactly who you are, life has never been easy for you, but you have endured.  You tucked yourself away, hidden from view, to avoid the relentless shame and ridicule inflicted on you by others (family, neighbors, classmates, even friends), but you endured deep down inside.  You trained yourself to act like a boy, at least as far as you were able to and affected a way of acting that was completely foreign to your nature.   You did this for others, not for yourself, though self-preservation was also a huge contributing factor.  You did this for many, many years, until you found what you thought was a safe place in the gay community.  That never felt right either, though, and again you put on airs to fit in.  You did that for many years, as well, but it’s just not who you were.  It’s not who you are.  And it took its toll; broke you down until you just couldn’t stand it anymore and finally decided enough was enough.  But you can’t undo 50-plus years of manufactured existence in just one year.  No one could, so cut yourself some slack!  

 

You made some gigantic steps forward this past year and I am so proud of you.  You made a really tough, scary decision, then took the bull by the horns and got to work.  You opened yourself up to being vulnerable which, given your past experiences with being ridiculed and shamed for being “different,” was huge. It’s going to take some time, though, for you to be completely comfortable and confident in your new skin now, and that’s okay.  Let it happen in its own time.  The physical changes are also going to take some time, so be patient.  You have come such a long way in a year, sand even though you don’t think you’re quite “there” yet, you’re closer than you’ve ever been before, and that’s saying something.  You’re beautiful and kind and the world deserves to know you, so let it in as best you can.  Savor the metamorphosis, because you will look back on this time as wonderful and special.

 

Love, 

Maddie