I know it’s been some time since I last posted but I honestly just haven’t felt like it recently. Things have been busy at work and at home, and I just haven’t made the time to write and reflect. It seems like February came and went, which I guess it sort of did, it being the shortest month of the year notwithstanding. This February was another milestone I my transition, as 2/19/2022 marked my one-year anniversary on hormone replacement therapy. While it was something I had been looking forward to celebrating, the day passed fairly uneventfully, and I don’t even remember what we did, though I’m sure it wasn’t celebratory. It’s not that I’m not proud of having made the move and having progressed this far… not at all. I think it’s more that I’m finally just living my authentic life—or at least trying to—and it doesn’t really need to be “celebrated” any more than any other day or even in my life. It’s life, and I’m actually really enjoying it.
I will, however, acknowledge and celebrate that this time last year, I was not the same person I am today, and also admit that I expect to be even that much further along in my evolution this time next year. It was just last March that I went out in full dress, makeup, and hair to celebrate my 51st birthday. Eric and I went to a restaurant I found online in West Hollywood, and I was both nervous and elated. I remember saying to him on the drive there that I actually felt beautiful. I don’t think I’ve ever said (or thought, or felt) that before in my life. Now, I dress and present as my authentic self every day, and it’s just the most amazing thing. Everybody I know calls me Maddie or Madeline and I am feeling more and more comfortable and confident in my own skin.
That’s not to say I’m all the way there yet… no, there is still a lot of work to do, and I realize that. But I’m getting there! Today, for example, I was in the midst of making a beautiful eggplant parm for my dinner (Eric is out of town this week), and when I cut into the eggplant that I bought on Sunday (just two days ago!) it was all brown. Well… I had not even showered or shaved yet (I’m working from home most of this week), had no makeup on, and was wearing a turban instead of my wig, but I was determined to have eggplant for dinner, so slapped a mask on my face and headed out to Ralphs to get another eggplant. I looked a mess, but who the hell cares, really?! Why do even let such thoughts enter my head? Long story short, I zipped on down to Ralphs as I was, picked up two beautiful eggplants (and a couple packages of jelly beans, ha!), and headed home. Easy-peasy. I just really need to get over myself, get out of my head all the time, and just live my life. The eggplant parm is in the oven right now and smells amazing!
If I had a wish for my future self, for the coming year, it would be to continue living life and loving myself, no matter how I look or “present.” I am pretty sure that surgery is going to help with that, at least to an extent… not so much with how it will make me look (because, really, how will anyone really know?), but more so with how it will make me feel. In the meantime, I will keep living, working, walking, reflecting ,and hopefully writing.
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