It’s Christmas morning 2021, and we have already opened presents, eaten breakfast, and been out for a 1.5-mile walk around the block. Eric is in the kitchen preparing our Christmas dinner (I baked and prepped a bit myself yesterday) and I am sitting at the dining room table quietly contemplating the year we’ve had and reflecting on Christmases past, present, and future. I’m happy to be celebrating Christmas this year as my authentic self and look forward to future Christmases as well, as a grow more and more comfortable in my own skin. What a year it’s been, though; two years, really, when I think back to our former life in Massachusetts. Those were tough years in so many ways, but it’s not with complete dread that I think about them… there were some good times, too, and there are a few things I really miss about that life. But that was then, and this is now. The past informs the present and the present informs the future. It’s all connected, and all meant to be: the good, the bad, the painful, the celebratory, the embarrassing missteps. This year was no misstep, though, and I cannot believe how far I—we—have come.
Every month of 2021 will be marked in my memory as one step further in my personal development: deciding to transition in January after buying those shoes (The Shoes); finding a doctor in February and starting my HRT (HRT); celebrating my birthday dinner in LA, my first time presenting as my true self (I wish we had taken a pic or two, but we did not) as well as starting laser hair removal on my face at Skin Works; coming out to Helen and Anne in April; starting to wear a bit of makeup and women’s clothing at work in May, as well as starting therapy. June was a particularly busy month: coming out to Ron at work, then to Dean’s Council, and everyone else at work; going to the beach for the first time as Madeline (A Day at the Beach); starting this blog (Hello and Welcome); finding and purchasing my first Abigail/Shirley wig at Godiva’s Secret (Hair, Hair, Continued…). July and August were also pivotal months: starting to present full time as myself in July (D-Day, D-Day, Continued) in July; petitioning for legal name and gender changes in August, as well as getting my ears pierced (Milestones). September was also busy: the legalization of my name- and gender-changes (September 10, 2021) and having neck/spine surgery (Surgery; Post-op; Recovery). In October I came out to mom (Dear Mom), starting writing a lot, began exploring chanting and Buddhism (The Ten Worlds, and Chanting), and reached out to surgeons (The Next Big Step). In November I focused on things I am thankful for (21 Days of Thanks), but also started feeling stressed out at work (actually I think that started closer to September, but manifested in November and December). That led to some dark days in early December (Negative Energy), but with some down time around the Christmas holidays I’ve been able to get some rest and look at things from a different perspective (Traffic), and I feel like I’m much more on track and moving forward again now.
In addition to all of the above, there have been so many little changes that have occurred with me since the start of 2021. The hormone therapy has really helped my body to change—softer skin, more feminine face, hands and feet, breast growth (small but very much there)—and has also softened my emotions and ways of thinking and processing things. I am completely off of anti-depressants. I’ve lost over 30 lbs (and counting). I have a whole new wardrobe and accessories, which I wear exclusively, every day. My relationship with Eric has blossomed in many ways. I am self-reflective and am working towards becoming more self-aware. None of this was easy. It’s taken a lot of work and at times it has been incredibly scary and painful. I never, ever, in a million years thought I’d have the courage and strength to make this happen, but I am so happy that I did—am. I’m not quite there yet, and in many ways never will be (is anyone, ever?) but it’s been a hell of a year of growth and transformation, and I’m ready for more in the new year ahead.
I will be sure to continue to document and reflect on everything in this blog...
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